REVIEW: The Lone Ranger (2013)

PLOT: Native American warrior Tonto recounts the untold tales that transformed John Reid, a man of the law, into a legend of justice.

REVIEW: Don't go see this movie. I thought I would start out by warning you really not to go see this movie, because if you only read the first line at least you would get the most important part. Part of me can't even begin to explain just how bad The Lone Ranger was. But I feel a duty to the people of the world to write this review in some capacity to give you the most information I can, for you to make an educated decision. There's already so much said online about this film that I don't even feel like I can add anything to the discussion, but I just have to join in on this bashing because it's deserved. It's like the movie was so bad, that so many people were able to articulate so many jokes and comments about this movie on its very first day of release that it's actually more entertaining to read those than see the movie itself. It's unbelievable to me really, even after watching all of the Pirates of the Caribbean films, that you could make something so painstakingly awful that I'd rather watch all 4 of those in one sitting than to watch this movie again.

This isn't the first rodeo for director Gore Verbinski, producer Jerry Bruckheimer, and actor Johnny Depp, but hopefully this is their last as they've seemingly made a rodeo of a movie out of the television classic of the same name. Having worked on the first three Pirates films together, one sort of knew what to expect from The Lone Ranger. But it turns out that even mediocre expectations were an overestimation on the quality of this film. I was a huge fan of Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl and a few years ago probably would have told you it was in my Top 25 or so favorite films. As time has gone on and more Pirates have come out, that opinion has slowly faded away. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest wasn't awful, but then when I saw Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End I was forced to re-evaluate that opinion as it was even worse than the one before it. Then a fourth came out and I'd just had it, because Disney has been trying to capitalize off of the popular character Johnny Depp portrayed in those movies, Jack Sparrow for too long now.

If there was any reason that I wanted to see this movie, it was because of Johnny Depp. I respect the guy as an actor, and he's true artist and passionate about his roles. I can't really say one way or the other that I hated Depp in the film, nor did I love him but he was easily one of the better parts of the movie if there were any at all. From time to time he would drop a wise but humorous comment and it would get a chuckle, but a lot of it I just shook my head at. Even the people that were laughing at the beginning of the film, were no longer laughing past halfway through I'm assuming for the same reasons I wasn't. The fact that he said kimosabe five thousand times really got on my nerves, before they had to point it out in the movie about why Tonto was saying it and why it was significant. This was a good description of the movie as it seemed like one overly long joke that wasn't really funny in the first place, and you were just continuously saying "get on with it already". Depp's portrayal of Tonto is almost only a Native American guised Jack Sparrow, which just goes to show what this movie was always about from the beginning, and that would be money. I understand Depp probably got into the character and the role, but I can't put it past Disney to have said, "hey Johnny, we want you to do quirky. We know you can do quirky. Yeah, kind of like that Jack Sparrow guy you did for the last 10 years." Again, it was funny at first but by the end of the movie you just really feel for Johnny Depp in real life, not Tonto in the film, as you just want to yell at him to run away from that Disney contract as soon as humanly possible.

Now, for the character of the Lone Ranger himself you've got Armie Hammer, whom I assume was chosen because of his good turn as the Winklevoss twins in The Social Network. After seeing this movie, I'm not entirely sure what the draw to this guy was, but let's not act like everyone wasn't going to see this movie for Johnny Depp over whoever they chose for the character anyways. So here's what I know about the Ranger: he wears a mask, there's something important about a silver bullet, and he's got a white horse. So here's what I don't know about the Ranger: honestly I don't remember his name ever being said but more than a couple times if that, but it was really hard to care I guess. Why does he wear the mask? What's with the bullet? Is the horse magic or something? I just could not wrap my head around the fact that even though this was an origin story to a classic character from several generations ago, that they would leave out such important information that people like myself may need baffled me completely. The movie is so frenetic and just all over the place in terms of tone and story, it's hard to keep any semblance of anything at all in your mind as the viewer. You can't tell an epic story like the Ranger's without the details and assume that everyone already knows, but anyone under 50 doesn't likely remember the show with much clarity. So Hammer was okay I guess, but again who really cared? Johnny Depp is in the movie.

I really like Johnny Depp, and it was so hard for me to dislike him in this movie even though it was so awful. And I could even say I'm a fan of Verbinski's because I thought Rango was cute though it was not for kids, Mouse Hunt is one of my favorite family films, and The Ring isn't horrible at all for a PG-13 horror film even though it started one of the worst film fads in recent memory. It was just so damn hard to have fun with The Lone Ranger, and probably the only thing I truly liked about the film even though it was completely ruined by the rest was William Fichtner's bad guy Butch Cavendish. I am not sure if it's just because I like the guy and he was absolutely disgusting and unlikable in the sense that he was a villain, but he was the only thing I was happy to dislike about the movie. So I'm not even really sure if that's a good thing. Either way, this movie sucked. I can't talk about it anymore, I really can't. A strange indian, Zorro, and a unicorn walk into the West, and this is what you get. Save your money this July 4th weekend and treat yourself to something like The Walking Dead marathon on AMC like I plan to, or buy yourself a Big Mac meal from McDonald's for lunch AND dinner, or hell go see Monsters University with the family which is what I saw previous to this film. Just please, don't waste your money, or give Disney another excuse to sign Johnny Depp onto a movie to have Jerry Bruckheimer produce it and Gore Verbinski in the director's chair again. I do not want to end up seeing trailers for The Return of the Lone Ranger, so please be smart this holiday weekend and celebrate responsibly. Spare us the unneccesary torment Disney. And Johnny, I think this is the last mulligan we can give you. You have got to make some better decisions starting right now. And please for all that is holy, put Jack Sparrow back in the closet because his 15 minutes are long past.
  

ACTING : ( 4 / 10 )
STORY : ( 1 / 10 )
EXECUTION : ( 1 / 10 )
POSTER : ( 8 / 10 )
AWESOME : ( 2 / 10 )
FINAL RATING : ( 2 / 10 )